The Demise of Agent Darkbootie
by Red Witch
Summary: What really happened the night one of the most respected agents of the Swollen Eyeballs died? Find out in this mad fic!


**The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is dead and buried somewhere. Just a small fic that rambled in my brain. MADNESS! **

**The Demise of Agent Darkbootie**

"Fellow members of the Swollen Eyeballs, we are gathered here today for a most somber occasion," Tuna Fish, leader of the Swollen Eyeballs stood in front of a huge crowd. There was a coffin. "Today we say farewell to one of our most beloved and powerful members. Agent Darkbootie."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Someone wailed a very familiar wail. "DARKBOOTIE DON'T GO!"

"This is also an expulsion procedure against the one responsible for Darkbootie's death…" Tuna Fish hissed. Everyone looked at Dib.

Well not really. They were looking at the guy standing to the **left** of Dib. "What?" Agent Bill asked.

"What do you mean **what?**" Tuna Fish snarled. "It's because of **you **Darkbootie is dead!"

"Oh come on, you don't believe that do you?" Agent Bill said. "That's just what they want you to think!"

"They **who?**" A member of the Swollen Eyeballs asked.

"Why Count Cocofang's minions! That's who!" Agent Bill said.

"Not this again…" Tuna Fish moaned.

"I am telling you it was Count Cocofang and his evil dog minion!" Agent Bill snapped. "That's how the Count gets his dirty work done! By having dogs do his work for him!"

"Bill…That's too weird even for **us** to believe," A tall woman with neat black hair, a black pantsuit and sunglasses groaned. "And quite frankly we tolerate a lot of weird theories."

"You just won't admit the truth Agent Jane! You are all blind to the truth! Cocofang has got you all fooled but he won't fool me!" Agent Bill snapped.

"You do know that Count Cocofang is a **character** right? And he's played by an actor," Another member of the Swollen Eyeballs asked.

"That's just the sort of lies the Count wants us all to believe! But he's not just a figurehead, he's the head of a plot for a vast corporate conspiracy for world domination!" Agent Bill yelled.

"No, that's Ricky Rat, the mascot of the Dizzy Corporation," Another Swollen Eyeball called out.

"Yeah and even then they don't have a Ricky Rat presiding over board meetings like you say Cocofang does!" Agent Jane snapped.

"That's because he's got Cocofang to go for him as his surrogate!" Agent Bill shouted. "When will you people see the truth?"

"Bill you wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass!" Agent Jane snapped. "Scratch that. It would bite you in the ass, kick you in the nuts, wear a big banner saying Truth and sing a musical number about how his name is Truth and you **still** wouldn't figure it out!"

"Sounds a lot like my life," Dib grumbled.

"Let's stick with the facts shall we?" Tuna Fish moaned. "Then we can go on with the service and then eat at the buffet afterwards. Except for Bill who we will throw out on his ear."

"I haven't been kicked out yet!" Agent Bill shouted. "I didn't kill Darkbootie! Blame Count Cocofang! His evil minion did it!"

"Bill…You ran over Darkbootie with your car!" Agent Jane snapped.

"You don't know what happened! You weren't there!" Agent Bill snapped.

"I **was** there! I was in the **passenger **seat!" Agent Jane shouted. "I was the one telling you to slow down!"

"You don't know what really happened!" Agent Bill shouted.

"Yes I do!" Agent Jane shouted.

"No you don't! You only saw what Count Cocofang wanted you to see!" Agent Bill said dramatically.

"You mean **your** tire tracks over Darkbootie's body? **That's** what he wanted me to see?" Agent Jane asked.

"Not to mention the huge lawsuit against us thanks to your stupidity," Tuna Fish snapped.

"YES! It's Cocofang's dog minion that killed Darkbootie with his evil…Dog cocoa evil stuff!" Agent Bill shook his fist. "Curse you! Curse you Count Cocofang!"

"Bill there are witnesses who saw what you did!" Tuna Fish pointed to Dib.

"INCLUDING ME!" Agent Jane snapped.

"Yes, witnesses to Cocofang! Tell the truth kid!" Agent Bill said. "Tell everyone how Cocofang tore the throat out of Darkbootie with his horrible pointy cocoa covered teeth!"

"You mean tell everyone how Bozo Bill here ran over Darkbootie and used him as a speed bump?" Agent Jane asked sarcastically.

"DARKBOOTIE IS DEAD!" Agent Bill howled as he pulled out a mallet and a stake from his coat. "Now we have to drive a stake through his heart and cut off his head! AAAAH!" He leapt on the coffin.

"Not **again**…" Tuna Fish moaned.

"DIE AGAIN DEMON OF THE UNDEAD!AKKKK!" Agent Bill screamed as he was tackled by several people who tried to drag him off the coffin. "UNHAND ME! I HAVE TO KILL HIM BEFORE HE SPREADS MORE CHOCOLATEY EVIL GOODNESS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD!"

"It never fails," Tuna Fish moaned. "Why is it that **every time** we have a funeral one of our members thinks the deceased is going to come back as the undead?"

"NO! WE HAVE TO KILL HIM! WE HAVE TO KILL HIS DEAD BODY!" Agent Bill screamed as he fought among the members, one hand still clinging onto the coffin.

"I mean I know we're a society that studies the paranormal but really…" Tuna Fish moaned. "We really should have some kind of policy checking people for wooden stakes and knives."

Of course only Dib knew the real truth about what happened.

"I wish I could tell the truth but nobody here would believe me," He grumbled to himself. "Only Darkbootie believed in me and now…"

His mind traveled back to that fateful night. Well actually the afternoon before that fateful night.

"Listen Dib! I have some very, very important planning to do so no going over to my house to spy on me!" Zim snapped as he faced off with Dib in the skool yard at recess.

"Is that so, **Zim**?" Dib growled.

"Yes it is, **Dib!**"

"Is it, **Zim?**"

"It is **Dib!**"

**"Zim!"**

**"Dib!" **

"Oh this is a real meeting of the minds," Gaz said as she played her game slave on a bench nearby.

"I won't have time to spy on you Zim," Dib said. "Tonight I'm getting special training from one of the most powerful members of the Swollen Eyeballs Society!"

"It's not that idiot Bill is it?" Zim asked.

"No! It's a **real** paranormal agent!" Dib snapped. "And he's going to teach me secrets tonight. Secrets that will help me expose you as the alien menace you really are and stop you from destroying the Earth once and for all!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Really?"

"Really! So if I were you Zim, I'd get off this planet and find another world to conquer!" Dib said as he walked away.

"Training huh?" Zim thought. "Perhaps Zim has taken this Swollen Eyeballs group too lightly? Yes. Zim shall see what kind of training the Dib is getting!"

"What about your very, very important planning?" Gaz asked, not bothering to stop playing her game.

"Oh that. That was just a ploy to lure Dib into a trap…" Zim began. "I mean! Zim will not tell you his evil scheme!"

"You just did!"

"No I didn't! And Zim will not tell you about his other evil scheme! Muah ha ha ha!" He ran off.

It was at that moment Gaz realized that this had the potential to be some kind of disaster. For a second she considered intervening and preventing her brother and her brother's arch rival from doing something extremely stupid that would cause a lot of damage.

But only for a second.

"Eh as long as I get the house to myself tonight, I don't care what they do," Gaz shrugged and went back to her game.

Later that evening, in a barn near a fenced gate on the outskirts of town…

"And that young Dib is why you should always carry parsley while you're hunting for Sasquatch!" Agent Darkbootie told Dib. He was a spry old man with a mostly bald head and a white tuft of beard on his chin. He wasn't wearing his usual janitor disguise but his black agent uniform. There were several charts and props on tables around them in the barn.

"Of course! It's so **obvious** now!" Dib took out a notebook and pencil from his jacket and wrote the information down. "I can't believe how much stuff I've learned in two short hours!"

"It's been a long time since we had a dedicated intelligent young pup like you to carry on the legacy of the Swollen Eyeballs," Darkbootie said.

"Agent Darkbootie! Agent Darkbootie! Count Cocofang is on the attack again!" Agent Bill ran in.

"A **long** time…" Darkbootie sighed. "Agent Bill we've been **over **this. Cocofang is nothing more than a corporate mascot to sell children's snack foods and make them fat so that the health companies can charge people more money."

"That's only the tip of his evil! He's the head of those corporations and wants to suck out the chocolately goodness of all mankind! He's evil I tell you! EVIL!" Agent Bill screamed.

"And people think **I'm** crazy?" Dib blinked. "Why does he have such an obsession with Cocofang?"

"Bad experience with a Cocofang impersonator as a child," Agent Jane walked in. "Never got over it. Sorry sir. He got away from me again."

"Hey! Since we are the only two agents guarding the secondary training headquarters of the Swollen Eyeballs while everyone else is at the important meeting miles away we have a duty to keep alert!" Agent Bill snapped.

"Important meeting?" Dib blinked. "I didn't know about any important meeting."

"Of course you didn't! Because it's so important it's a secret!" Agent Bill said. "Only the highest level operatives and sharpest minds of the Swollen Eyeballs are allowed to know about it! There they discuss the most important topics and most secret…Wait, how did you know about the meeting?"

"Because you just **told** me about it?" Dib blinked.

"AHHH! A SPY! A SPY!" Agent Bill pulled out his weapon. "WE'VE BEEN INFILTRATED!"

"Bill put that down before I clobber you!" Agent Jane snapped. "You did just tell him! I heard you!"

"He heard about our most secret meeting!" Agent Bill yelled.

"Secret meeting my eye! It's just the Party Planning Committee to decide the venue and the catering for our annual Holiday Party!" Darkbootie snapped. "We go through this **every **year Bill!"

"It is?" Agent Bill blinked as he put his gun down. "Then why is it a secret?"

"It's only a secret from you because of what you did the **last **time you were allowed to plan a party!" Darkbootie snapped.

"Okay in my defense those piranhas looked a lot like goldfish and there was no way I knew that the mayonnaise for the chicken salad was bad!" Agent Bill said.

"Just go to the front gate and guard the place will you? Agent Jane try to keep Agent Bill from causing too much damage will you?" Darkbootie moaned. "I know it's impossible but do try."

"No need to insult me or get all worked up," Agent Bill grumbled. "It's not good for your health."

"I'm 87 years old Bill and as healthy as a horse! The only thing that will kill me is your stupidity!" Darkbootie snapped.

"Come on Bill…" Agent Jane dragged him away. "Let's go see if Cocofang is at our doorstep."

"COCOFANG IS AT OUR DOORSTEP? DIE COUNT DIE!" Agent Bill ran off with Agent Jane behind him.

"Boy we really need to improve our standards for new members of our organization," Darkbootie sighed. "That's why I wanted to personally train you, Dib. Well that and I wanted to get out of that meeting. They're so boring!"

"I gathered that yeah," Dib nodded as he followed Darkbootie behind the barn. "What's out here?"

"Something amazing. This is the Chest of Eyeballs. Where I keep some of the most powerful training materials and unusual items our society has," Darkbootie opened a dark chest near a tree. "It has magical properties so it has nearly unlimited storage space!"

"It does? Wow! I can't wait to do more training!" Dib cried out.

"You know Dib I've never seen a youngster take to the training so well," Darkbootie said proudly. "Not since my younger days. You remind me a lot of myself back then. Of course my head was a bit smaller and my hair wasn't so weird looking but you get the picture. Keep this up and you'll be at the top of your game when you become a real paranormal investigator."

"Wow Darkbooite…No one has ever believed in me the way you do," Dib's eyes shone with happiness.

"You're a good kid, Dib," Darkbootie tussled his hair. "You just need a good mentor to guide you and straighten you out."

"So this is what adult approval feels like?" Dib sighed. "I've never been so happy."

Of course predictably just as soon as Dib said that…

"HA! Greetings! I am ZIM! And I am here for Pary-normal Training!" Zim in his human disguise strode him.

"ZIM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Dib pointed at him.

"I told you. I'm here for training! Because I am **Zim!**" Zim raised his fists. "TRAIN ME! TRAIN ME!"

"Is **this** the kid you're always talking about?" Darkbootie blinked.

"Yeah this is him. That's **Zim!**" Dib snarled. "The alien!"

"I am not an alien. I am a perfectly normal disgusting pig child," Zim purred as he walked up to them.

"Zim how did you get past Agent Bill out front?" Dib snapped. "And even as I ask the question I realize the answer."

"Yeah asking Agent Bill to guard something is kind of like asking a goldfish to be a guard dog," Darkbootie agreed. "Just doesn't work."

"Let's just say Gir and Minimoose are having some fun distracting your allies," Zim said smugly.

"So you got them to dress up like some kind of monsters and distracted them?" Dib asked.

"Didn't need them to dress up. Just told them to distract them," Zim said. "Then walked through the front gate."

"So that's exactly what happened then?" Dib asked.

"Pretty much yes," Zim said. "Anyway I too want to be a member of your Swollen Ankle Society and train with you."

"First of all it's Swollen **Eyeballs,**" Dib said. "Not Ankles!"

"Really? Swollen Ankles makes a lot more sense," Zim blinked. "I mean I've heard of the medical condition swollen ankles but never swollen eyeballs. Of course there was this one guy on Hobo Thirteen…I mean I saw thirteen hobos with that condition."

"Yes…Speaking of condition…What exactly is **yours?**" Darkbootie frowned. "I mean why are you green?"

"Oh I have a skin condition. A perfectly **normal skin** condition," Zim said with a smile. "BECAUSE I'M NORMAL!"

"Really? What's the name of this **particular** skin condition?" Darkbootie said with a smirk as he folded his arms.

"Name?" Zim blinked.

"Yes name. There are 5,856,323 different kinds of skin conditions and only **three** of them cause a patient's skin to turn green," Darkbootie asked. "So which one of them is it?"

"Uh gee I dunno, nobody's ever asked me **that **question before," Zim blinked. "I mean usually I just say skin condition and people buy it. I mean…I uh…It's a very rare and unknown condition. Very rare. You've probably never even heard of it!"

"Zim is it? Along with my degrees in paranormal medicine I also have degrees in regular medicine, dermatology, advanced dermatology, and have many friends on the International Skin Conditions Council who meet with me on a weekly basis and tell me everything about every new skin condition there was, is or ever will be," Darkbootie put his face next to Zim's. "Try me."

Dib couldn't help but laugh. "Go ahead Zim! Try to talk your way out of **this **one!"

Now Zim was nervous. "Uh Uh…Discrimination! Yes! You are discriminating Zim because of his skin color! Zim will **sue!"**

"Okay! Okay! No need to bring the lawyers into this! I was just **asking!**" Darkbootie held up his hands.

"That's just Zim trying to avoid the answer! He does that all the time! You're not gonna let him avoid it like something you…Something you avoid are you?" Dib asked Darkbootie.

"Let's just say I'm keeping my eyeballs **wide open**," Darkbootie said with a wink. "Let's do some training exercises shall we? Zim why don't you join us for the training?"

"You're actually gonna **train** him?" Dib was stunned.

"Think of this training as a series of tests to uncover the **truth**," Darkbootie smirked. "About yourselves. If Zim is Swollen Eyeball material."

"Oh right! Gotcha!" Dib realized what Darkbootie was getting at.

And of course, Zim didn't get it. "Yes! Zim will prove that he is perfect for his eyeballs to be swollen!"

"Okay first we have the baloney test," Darkbootie took out a slab of baloney from his Chest of Eyeballs.

"Ha! Try to weasel out of this Zim! I know how Earth meats can hurt you!" Dib hissed.

"Baloney no longer hurts me any more Dib," Zim sneered as he grabbed the baloney and rubbed it on his face. "After our little incident last year I've developed a mild tolerance for meats!"

"You mean when we both got turned into baloney?" Dib gave him a look.

"Yes! My superior immune system became stronger after that terrible, horrible ordeal which was **your fault**!" Zim snapped.

"Zim, you're the one that made that DNA splicer that turned us both into living baloney!" Dib snapped. "And it's a good thing that DNA modifier was only temporary because we'd **still** be sausages trapped in that abandoned house surrounded by a pack of hungry dogs!"

"That was quite an interesting week wasn't it?" Zim asked. "But the point is, baloney can't hurt me! HA! See! No burns!"

"Zim you're supposed to eat the baloney. Not rub it on your face," Dib said.

_"Seriously?"_ Zim recoiled in horror.

"Well he's definitely not one of the undead, I'll give him that much," Darkbootie remarked. "Zombies can't get enough of baloney. They eat it like that." He snapped his fingers.

"I thought it was brains that Zombies ate?" Dib asked.

"That's a misconception perpetuated by the film industry in order to make a profit," Darkbootie explained. "Truth is most zombies would rather chow down on a baloney sandwich than someone's organs. Humans just taste terrible."

"That's good to know," Zim blinked. "So much for converting humans into food products when I…" The others looked at him. "I mean. How fascinating."

"Yes well. As you can imagine, zombies breaking into your house to eat your food is not as scary as zombies breaking into your house to eat your organs," Darkbootie said. "Zombies have been fighting that stereotype for years. Well fighting isn't exactly the right word. They're not that aggressive. Or organized. Don't even know how to make decent signs actually…"

"Can we get on with this?" Zim groaned.

"Oh right. Sorry. Next test," Darkbootie took something else out of the chest. "THINK FAST!"

"AAAH! AAHH!" Zim dodged a stream of water from a soaker gun.

"AH HA! See! Zim can't handle water!" Dib pointed. "He's afraid of it!"

"No I just wanted to keep my shirt dry…" Zim glared.

"Okay so I'll just squirt some water into your eyeballs," Darkbootie shot a blast at his face.

"YEOWW!" Zim moved but some water got on his arm. "BURNY!"

"See! That's your proof right there! Water burns him! He's got to be an alien!" Dib said.

"Actually Dib there are at least **eighteen** different paranormal creatures that are allergic to water," Darkbootie said. "And one of the three skin conditions that turns your skin green also has a side effect making water harmful to the patient."

"HA! SEE THAT PROVES NOTHING! OWW! OW! WATER HOT! WATER VERY HOT!" Zim accidentally stepped in a puddle and hopped around on one foot.

"It's cold water, Zim," Dib said.

"Oh right. Zim knew that. Just part of the skin allergy," Zim blinked. "It does not burn anymore. I shall stand over here in this puddle. NOOOOO!" Zim yelled as he put his feet back in the puddle and hopped around.

"Definitely something **not **normal about **that,**" Darkbootie blinked. "Let's bring out another device that will help us get to the bottom of this little mystery. Zim first I need to test your endurance. See that tree over there?"

"Yes?" Zim looked at a tree in the distance.

"Run to it and back here as fast as you can," Darkbootie said. "Go on!"

Zim shrugged and ran. "Is that some kind of test?" Dib asked.

"Not really. I just wanted time to get something out without him knowing about it," Darkbootie pulled a large full length mirror out of the chest. "He's **definitely** hiding something. And this Mirror of True Self will show us what it is!"

"Wait are you saying that this mirror shows the true self of **anyone**?" Dib's eyes widened.

"That it does," Darkbootie said. "That's why it's called the Mirror of True Self. Here go take a look!"

"Oh this will be perfect!" Dib cackled as he went up to the mirror. There was his reflection in the mirror. "Now I know I can prove Zim's an alien! All I have to do is get him to stand in front of this mirror and…"

Suddenly the image of Dib in the mirror changed. It turned into a tall shadowy figure with a huge jagged crest of hair. His eyes glowed a sinister blue glare and the images behind him showed a world of fire, destruction and darkness. The figure in the mirror sent out blasts of electricity from its fingers.

SHATTER!

The mirror shattered into a million pieces. "Wow. It's never done **that** before…" Darkbootie blinked.

"Okay…" Zim panted as he ran back. "Zim made it. What'd I miss?"

"AGGGGGH!" Dib yelled as he realized another chance to expose Zim had failed. "Why does stuff like this **always** happen to me?"

"Did I miss something?" Zim blinked.

"I mean that was really weird," Darkbootie looked at the mirror. He looked a little shaken up. "I mean. It takes a lot to weird me out considering my line of work, and that was **creepy!"**

"What did Zim miss? Was it more training? Tell me!" Zim yelled.

"Forget about it Zim," Dib moaned.

"Zim will not forget about it if Zim doesn't want to!" Zim snapped.

"It should **not** have done that!" Darkbootie said as he looked at the mess. Then he looked at Dib. "Mirrors don't just shatter by themselves. Even magical ones! Dib are you sure you're not under some kind of curse or something?"

"It would explain my life," Dib moaned.

"Did Zim pass? I am a **genius!**" Zim crowed in triumph.

"Okay I'm going to talk with Dib for a minute…" Darkbootie still looked a bit spooked. "Zim…Go run to the tree again."

"Why?" Zim asked.

"Another test. Go for it," Darkbootie said. Zim did it again. "Okay Dib we need to talk about what happened…"

"Look Darkbootie I know you don't believe me but Zim really is an alien!" Dib said. "He must have done some kind of alien thing to the mirror to make me look bad! I swear! It wasn't me! It couldn't have been!"

"Look kid I admit that Zim is really suspicious. But for all we know he could just be another mutant or scientific experiment," Darkbootie said. "And believe me, there's a **lot **of them out there."

"There has to be some way to prove to you…" Dib then came up with an idea. "Hold it! Agent Darkbootie can you help me prove something you see if you say…" Dib whispered into his ear.

"Well…It's not exactly the best plan I've heard but it's worth a shot," Agent Darkbootie listened to Dib's whispers. "And I did promise to help you uncover the truth so let's try it."

Zim ran back panting. "Okay…Zim…has passed your test now…Now will you tell Zim secrets?"

"Well I could if Dib would only pass his final test," Darkbootie sighed convincingly.

"What do you mean?" Zim blinked.

"The Swollen Eyeballs has this huge secret concerning alien defense plans but they only give it to members," Dib said.

"Alien defense plans? Secrets? What sort of secrets?" Zim gasped.

"I can't tell anyone until Dib passes his test," Darkbootie said. "Because he was here first. You understand."

"So if I don't pass my test I or no one else will learn the **very big secret** the Swollen Eyeballs has?" Dib asked.

"I'm afraid so. Those are the rules. And it's such a shame because it is a huge secret. Real juicy too," Darkbootie said.

Zim took the bait. "Wait! If Zim helps Dib pass his tests then you can tell Zim as well as Dib the big secret?"

"You'd **both** be members. I'd **have** to tell you," Darkbootie sighed. "But that's not going to happen. You see, the only way to pass this test is if Dib found an alien life form. And since there aren't any around for **miles…**"

"Wait so what you are saying Darkbootie is that if Dib found an alien you would tell me the **secret **of your organization?" Zim asked.

"That's right," Darkbootie nodded. "If he can't I can't tell the secret."

"HA! Well then if that's all that you need…" Zim tore off his disguise. "Here is your alien! Now tell Zim the secret! Tell **Zim!"**

"WHAT? A REAL ALIEN!" Darkbootie gasped.

"Yes! Zim is a real alien! Now tell Zim the truth about your secret society!" Zim shook his fist. "The defense plans! TELL ZIM!"

"YES! I **knew** you would fall for that Zim!" Dib cackled, raising his fist in triumph. "I knew it! There it is Darkbootie! **Proof **that Zim is an alien! Now we can capture him and…Agent Darkbootie?"

"An alien…" Darkbootie gasped as he clutched his heart. "A real…(GASP!) Alien! I don't believe it…They **do** exist…My heart…Can't take it…" He collapsed to the ground.

"Hey! Agent Darkbootie! Darkbootie! Tell Zim the secret! **Tell Zim!"** Zim yelled in his face.

"AAAAAHHH!" Agent Darkbootie made one final terrified scream before he gasped and died.

"Darkbootie! Tell Zim!" Zim blinked.

"Darkbootie! Say something!" Dib yelled as he went over to check Darkbootie. He took his pulse. "Oh no…"

"Darkbootie! Darkbootie? Dark-boooootieeeeeee!" Zim stared at the body and put his head to Darkbootie's chest. "Uh Dib is it a good thing for humans when their heart stops beating and they don't breathe anymore?"

"No. No it isn't," Dib moaned.

"Just checking," Zim winced as he moved away.

"You have got to be **kidding** me?" Dib moaned to the heavens. "**Seriously?**"

"So he's…" Zim blinked.

"Dead Zim! Darkbootie is **dead!"** Dib snapped. "He had a heart attack when he saw you!"

"And heart attacks are bad right?"

"YES!" Dib shouted. "I don't believe this! Every freaking time I think I find someone who will help me and believe in me, things like **this **happen!"

"So wait. Darkbootie is dead which means…" Zim blinked. "Zim does not know the secret! Darkbootie! Darkbootie come back! Zim needs to know the secret!" He started to shake Darkbootie violently. "Zim commands you not to die! Zim commands you to tell Zim the secret before you die! Darkbootie!"

"Well this just sucks…" Dib grumbled. "This night can't get any worse!"

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAK!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Zim and Dib saw Gir and Minimoose flying over them. Gir was in his dog costume riding Minimoose. Minimoose was wearing a long black cape. "What are they doing?" Dib asked.

"Why is Minimoose wearing a **cape?**" Zim blinked.

"You don't know?" Dib asked.

"Nope, this is new," Zim blinked.

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"CAR!" Dib yelled as some bright headlights zoomed toward them. Both Dib and Zim barely got out of the way.

SCREEEEECCCHHHHHHHH!

BUMP!

"Ooh that's gonna leave a mark," Zim winced.

Agent Bill's car stopped. He and Agent Jane jumped out. "Did I get him? Did I finally get Count Cocofang?" Agent Bill looked around.

"Uh not exactly…" Dib pointed.

"OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU TO SLOW DOWN YOU IDIOT!" Agent Jane saw who was underneath the car.

"So that's not the Count?" Agent Bill blinked. He saw who was under the body. "Uh oh…"

"YOU RAN OVER AGENT DARKBOOTIE!" Agent Jane snapped at Bill as she looked at the body. "YOU MORON!"

"Ran over, right. Definitely how he died," Zim said. He had put his disguise back on. "Definitely **not** because Dib showed him a real alien and he had a heart attack! **Right **Dib?"

"I **hate **you…" Dib snarled at Zim.

"And that's the end of that flashback…" Dib moaned to himself. He was back in the present at the funeral. And he wasn't alone.

"Darkbootie! Darkbooite! Why? Why did you have to die and not tell Zim the secret?" Zim howled in his human disguise. "Why-y-y-y? WAAAAHHH!" Tears leaked from his eyes. "WHY? WHY YOU IN THE PRIME OF YOUR HUMAN LIFE? AND BEFORE YOU TOLD ZIM THE SECRET? WHYYYYYYY?"

"Geeze Zim, overdoing it much?" Gaz asked. She was also at the funeral.

Zim stopped crying. "Why are **you **here?"

"Dad's home and in one of his moods," Gaz explained. "It was either come here or become a guinea pig for one of his latest experiments with mold spores."

"Gotcha," Dib sighed.

"Oh yeah. That makes sense," Zim nodded.

"Plus they've got a pretty decent buffet lined up over there," Gaz pointed to a tent filled with food. "Gotta admit, for a stupid society full of morons, the Swollen Eyeballs knows how to put on a good brunch."

"BUT HE'S A CHOCOLATE VAMPIRE! I SWEAR!" Agent Bill was finally pulled off the coffin.

"Not to mention a pretty good show," Gaz smirked at the scene.

"Okay! That's enough of **that!**" Tuna Fish snapped. "Let's get this over with so we can finish up and eat. Dib tell everyone what happened."

"Go ahead Dib, tell the **truth**…" Zim cackled. "And get expelled from your alien hunting society."

"This is going to be the hardest thing I ever did…" Dib moaned. "You see…"

"You can't trust this rookie! He's crazy!" Agent Bill shouted. "Everyone knows he's jealous of me because he's never going to be the crack investigator I am! The stupid kid believes in Bigfoot for crying out loud! He's an idiot!"

"Okay maybe this **isn't** going to be so hard?" Dib sighed. "Yeah Bill did it. I saw him run over Darkbootie."

"Yes, Darkbootie didn't die of a heart attack because he saw an alien," Zim spoke up. "DARKBOOTIE! Why did you have to die?"

"Oh shut up Zim," Dib moaned.

"WHAT? YOU LIE!" Agent Bill yelled. "YOU CRAZY LITTLE MANIAC!"

"By the way Bill is **also** responsible for destroying the Mirror of True Self," Dib added. "Shattered it to pieces with his car."

"HE DID **WHAT?**" Tuna Fish yelled. The rest of the Swollen Eyeballs yelled in anger.

"IS **THAT** HOW IT HAPPENED?" Agent Jane shouted. "BILL YOU INCOMPETENT…"

"That was not only one of our most priceless relics, it was one of the few that actually **worked!**" An Agent shouted.

"Dude you are so out of the Swollen Eyeballs!" Another Agent yelled.

"Agreed! Thanks Dib. You're out of the Swollen Eyeballs Bill!" Tuna Fish snapped. "And don't even **think** about eating at the buffet!"

"YOU LYING LITTLE…" Agent Bill tackled Dib. They wrestled and bumped into the coffin. The apparatus that held the coffin up was jolted so that the coffin went into the hole. Soon Former Agent Bill and Dib fell into the hole with the coffin.

"DARKBOOTIE! TELL ZIM THE SECRET!" Zim jumped in after them. "DARKBOOTIE!"

"Darkbootie can't say **anything!** He's not the undead! We checked we…" Tuna Fish moaned. "Oh never mind. I give up. I'm going to the buffet."

"LYING LITTLE…OW! HE BIT ME!" Bill screamed.

"DARKBOOTIE!" Zim screamed.

"Fill 'er up boys…" Gaz remarked. A ton of dirt fell over the guys in the grave as they fought. Gaz then went off to eat at the buffet.


End file.
